Astro-Fitness: Gym Bunnies Group Exercise?

Steven Meisel

You lot responded so well to that last fitness post that I have created a whole new category for you. Group Gym Bunnies fascinate me, especially the ones who can keep so brilliantly in step with those heavily choreographed classes such as Body-Step et al.

I’m fit enough to do them but the last time i tried one, the instructor kept shrieking out things such as “GRAPEVINE” and “TRIPLE STAR KICK” and the entire rest of the class moved as one. Especially the person in front of me training to be a marching boy for gay Mardi Gras.

I mean, he had it all going on. For me, there is no faster way to feel like fuqing Goofy in a room full of hypertronic swans than to do one of those sorts of classes…Not all Group classes just the leaping around in synchroncity ones. But then again it may be some sort of Aqua-Rising rebellion against the machine trip…I want data for who loves/hates/loathes/likes/tolerates Gym Bunny Group Exercise classes. Note: Am excluding Pump & Pilates.

I nominate Leo for being the most likely to dress UP for a Gym Bunny Group Exercise class, I truly do. And, sigh, Leo as most likely to arrive early to grab the best spot right in front of the instructor whom Leo Gym Bunny will then suck up to like you would not believe. And attempt to score attention for some injury. I know three Leo Gym Bunnies. Not terribly well but I know that they ARE Leos and the rest is observation when I should probably have been bothering about my own form. But you know how Leos of a certain variety hog the light, yah?

Leo  Gym Bunny 1: Female. Dress designer. Walked with ostenatious wiggle of bottom that clearly not natural. Wore elaborate updo to even Gym Bunny Group Exercise. Spandex work-out gear. Very Jazzercise. Could seemingly not go more than a nanosecond without looking at self in mirror. I don’t like that habit some peeps have of diagnosing every third person with N.P.D. but she so fitted the criteria. The final irony? She had this massive crush on the absolutely gorgeous, utterly gay male instructor and she was convinced it was requited.

Leo Gym Bunny 2: Male. Wore work-out gear that generally even a far younger man and a sporting champion at that might consider a tad too revealing. I am talking midriff revealing t-shirts saying things like “amateur porn star”.  He was terrifying to stand near in Pump class because he would always try to stack on more weights than the instructor and then be at risk of toppling over into one the whole class long. At least guys doing this in the actual weights room are usually contained, no? Did not like women his own age because of their “baggage” – said his entire generation of women “too uptight”. I once witnessed a chat-up of his terminated by a lovely young lass who said “oh my GOD, you should meet my Mum, she loves that kinda music too…” Reeked of unidentifiable L’Homme De Pong.

Leo Gym Bunny 3: Female. An instructor who, okay, is real fit. But she combines her classes with a stream-of-consciousness rave re her own life and times. What she is going to do that evening, the music she likes, the last television show she watched, how much her ex-boyfriend loved her hair and that he used to be turned on when she let it down, that she has a firmer bottom than women half her age, that she was runner-up in a beauty contest but that she would have won if it hadn’t been rigged by the cousin of a jealous rival, that she had the idea for Pilates before Joseph Pilates, that she doesn’t believe in eating fruit for breakfast, that she thinks too tight trackpants leave one prone to yeast infections, that her sister who is not fit is jealous of her, that she does not like nor suit the colour blue and that it may be because that was her school uniform and that she went to a private school, as you can probably tell. From her enunciation, apparently.

And…this is AWESOME: