Hi-Lo Astro: Haute Gemini-Low Gemini

Donald Duck is a Gemini.

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, plus a mobile phone, a high-speed internet connection and a copy of the The Bluffers Guide To Changing Lightbulbs.

Haute Gemini is ALLURING.  Charming, witty and sexy, Gemini is attractive to all comers. Buzzing around in honey-bee mode, a Gemini flatters, flirts and plays with advanced innuendo. They are the sign most likely to leave a swathe of bemused hearts in their wake.

Haute Gemini is UPLIFTING. Their cheery amorality is soothing to those more prone to turgid emotion. Guilt is an unknown emotion to Geminis. Confide it and Gemini’s reaction will be a stupefied “So what? You did what you had to do. Don’t worry about it…I wouldn’t.” They also specialise in distraction tactics. A Gemini who is being audited by the tax office, sued by an ex-lover and about to be fired from that dream job is a Gemini busy planning a group theatre excursion. A friend in need is, to the Gemini mind, a friend who needs to be taken to a cat show, cocktail bar, yoga class and film premiere all in one day.

Haute Gemini is ADAPTABLE.  Able to process anything in two seconds flat, Gemini is ultra-flexible. Their hyper-fast mind keeps them from being stuck in any form of rut and they are able to relate to absolutely anyone.  This lot can get along anywhere and be taken any place. Just when one thinks one knows Gemini, they go and add a new facet to their already multifaceted person. This can be hard for slower acquaintances to keep up with – they’ll go and book African Tribal Dancing lessons to be more attuned to the Gemini they love. Then Gemini will say their over all that now and have developed an interest in competitive ping-pong.

Haute Gemini is BLITHE. Some call it shallow, but those who know better recognise Gemini’s light heart as a gift. Always inspirational and vibing much like a travelling minstrel of ye olde days, our Gemini is perpetual poetry in motion.

Haute Gemini is AMUSING. Able to lighten even the darkest situation by their mere presence and a few quips, Geminis are an asset to any social scenario. They know how to ’sing for their supper’ and may be safely relied upon never to bore for a moment. Nobody fears being stuck with a Gemini in the kitchen at a party, just in a bedroom.

Haute Gemini is INFORMED.  Focus groups could profitably consist entirely of Geminis. They are what advertising shrinks call ‘key influencers’. Gadget, genre, jargon. attitude, word of the day…Gemini is a walking Zeitgeist of what’s hot and what’s not. They have the latest news, info, gossip and jokes. Geminis can talk about anything. Whatever the subject, Gemini will know something about it, even if they make it up. Gemini hates cliches unless they are advising you on your romantic life. If it is to do with emotions, all Gemini can often summon up is a string of ‘water under the bridge’ isms. In other matters, their advice is genius.

“Imperious, choleric, extreme in everything, with a dissolute imagination the like of which has never been seen, atheistic to the point of fanaticism, there you have me in a nutshell, and kill me again or take me as I am, for I shall not change.”  Marquis de Sade, another Gemini.

Low Gemini is AMORAL.  Geminis rarely feel remorse. They are living proof that you can run and you can hide. The late eco-marine guru Jacques Cousteau apparently provoked octopus fights by tipping black ink into the ocean. Geminis are excellent at appearing attentive to what one is saying yet withou actually listening. If required, they feed it back at you parrot fashion, without having understood anything. They rely upon the power of glib. A good description of this sign is in Gemini Francoise Sagan’s novel Those Without Shadows: “twin themes of attraction and disentanglement…the characters all move without shadows, uncertain of what they want from life, portraying the paradox of aimlessness and apparent longing for stability.”

Low Gemini is Dishonest. “Don’t expect confessions, revelations…not even the truth,” writes actress Isabella Rossellini in her autobiography Some Of Me. It is a habit of mine to embellish and color events till I lose sight of what really happened…I lie. I always did.” It’s as if fibbing was part of the Gemini respiratory process. They tell white lies, whopper lies and the whole gamut in between. Even if Gemini did have a genuine ability to feel guilt, lying would not be the issue to evoke it. A large proportion of the thespian population is Gemini. This could have something to do with the Gemini dual nature or maybe it is because they are such fake people anyway, as acting – being paid to lie – comes naturally to me.

Low Gemini is A FLAKE.  Fearing that mediocrity is some kind of airborne affliction, Geminis seek to inoculate themselves against it by being gaga. A Gemini in free-wheeling flake mode is fearsome. No idea is too stupid to be entertained and no relationship so over the top or too improper that Gemini won’t launch it with gusto. Taboo turns them on – as sociopaths, they are immune to guilt. They think is insomnia is constructive extra time and being mood-disorderd is quite normal. They can come across as an aging baby. You seek closure, they seek the door. Asked to get in touch with their feelings, they switch into ‘life is a laboratory’ mode, starring Gemini as the mad doctor and you as the hapless lab rat. In the Gemini mind is a long drop-down menu of what they imagine to be reasonable excuses.

Low Gemini is HEARTLESS. This lot are cruely to perfectly nice people who just happened to bore Gemini. They say something vicious as a fast way out of the conversation. Unless they have a psycho-sexual motive to be nice to you, they are utterly lacking in empathy. Be warned that they can make an amusing anecdote out of anything. While you’re getting over your hideous affair with one, Gemini is busy turning the fiasco into a sitcom. Gemini spouses can be observed at dinner parties, quietly freaking out as a chortling Gemini regales the crowd with funny stories re spouse’s vasectomy, diet or strange parents. Geminis have no sympathy for naivety in anyone over the age of 12. Their fave comment in conversation is “lets move on.”  They don’t take anything personally – even when it is personal.